It Seems No Matter What I Do…

You ever get that feeling sometimes, that no matter what you do it’s never good enough.

I’ve been feeling that way almost my entire life. I know when I was younger it stemmed from my father’s attitude, but I can’t use that as an excuse now.

I just got back from shooting pool. I’ve been shooting pool since I was 11 years old. I shot my ass off tonight and I still couldn’t fucking win.

I know what they mean when they say, “I got burnt out” Because that sure as hell is how I’m feeling now.

It got me thinking about my life and the things that use to make me happy don’t make me happy anymore and I’m having a helluva’ time trying to figure out what does.

Right now, I’m feeling like a completely useless human being. Now, you can take that anyway you want, but that’s how I feel right now.

I don’t even know why I’m posting this shit anyway.

I need to feel useful again. If I”m going to survive in this God awful world. I need to feel useful again.

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About phillystarvingwriter

Starving writer with a day job hoping one day to make a living doing what I love best.

Posted on July 27, 2011, in Unfinished Work. Bookmark the permalink. 4 Comments.

  1. Dude, I KNOW. The worst thing is that people expect you to just be able to find something new to like. Like, you can go out and suddenly there’s something new in front of you that you’ll immediately like. I go see a therapist (because I’m messed up :P) and I told him something along the same lines, but all he said was, like, “You should go out and do more things with more people. You can’t just sit around all day because that’s exhausting.” But really, it’s easy to say that you’re going to go out and do more stuff, but WHAT IF THERE’S NOTHING TO DO?!?! Like sucks…. 😛

  2. I get you completely. Boy, do I ever

    What am I good at? How am I of use? What makes life worth living? As I get older, a whole lot of things become sorely insignificant. I’ve had to quite literally hang on to my passion for writing and literature for dear life.

    Sometimes life is so terrible in my mind that the mere feel of a book in my hands or the scent of the pages are the only things that can calm me down and remind me all of this is worth it. I’ve learned to find comfort in stories of the lives of writers who came before me. The ones who also had a tough time with feeling useful comfort me the most.

    Or the writers who were down and out for so long and so terribly, only to reach that light at the end of the tunnel to see their work in the hands of others who adore them and their talent.

    We’re all useful in at least one area. It helps to make it the absolute center of your universe.

    • I know exactly what you mean. When I’m angry, sad, silly or feeling philosophical, it seems to bring out the best in my writing. I think it’s great therapy for me. If I didn’t write I would definitely go crazy.

      I’m ashamed to admit I don’t read as much as I use to and that is a large part of my problem with my writing. When I was reading all the time it seemed ideas just flowed, you know?

      Even Stephen King said writers read just as much as they write. I thought that was pretty cool.

  3. I hear you loud and clear. Thanks for the comment!

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