Ramblings of a Demented Mind

Here I am, once again. Another sleepless night. I feel like a vampire. Man! That would be really cool…an immortal life, seeing all you can see, being all you can be like in the army.
Be all you can be? Who the hell come up with that line anyway? Someone who failed miserably as a poet…sat there just mumbling to himself and all of a sudden
Be all that you can be, in the army? Are you kidding me?

Hey…don’t quit your day job because in today’s economy you might not find another one for awhile.

Before you know it you’ve lost your wife, your dog, your truck your house and it’s the box for you baby. Gotta’ love that big, city livin’.

Living the dream in the “Land of the Free and the Home of the Brave”.

Freedom from what?

I might as well just have a sign on my back that says, “Knock me on the ground and kick me while I’m down.”

People tell me, have some patience. “Patience is a virtue” Yeah? The person who came up with that brilliant quote was probably someone who was born with a golden spoon in their mouth.

I was born with a golden spoon in my mouth too, but my parents took it out because it turned my tongue green.

I think I’m finally starting to understand country songs. They’re no longer the bummer songs we use to listen to.

Now, as we’re driving in bumper to bumper traffic to a job that pays you just enough to stay and not enough to leave and your listening and then all of a sudden…BAM! It hits you just like that!

I know exactly what Clint Black is talking about. Not that he would know anything about my miserable life with his gold-plated albums hanging on the wall of his multi million dollar home, while he’s sitting on a beach in Cancun in speedos and cowboy boots, his hat shielding him from the sun.

What the hell am I talking about anyway?

Maybe I should just go crawl into my closet, close the door and breathe my last breath. Wait a minute. That would be embarrassing…to die before I’ve had a chance to delete all the free porn off my computer.

I’m not a perv. I just like to masturbate…a lot.

Hey that’s just about the only pleasurable thing I have going for me right now. I quit drinking and smoking so the only thing that’s left is some KY jelly and my special latex friend.

Some of my friends would say, “That’s fine but it’s not like the real thing.”

Honey, let me tell you something. I don’t have to pick up after it. I don’t have to cook it dinner and I don’t have to put up with the bullshit that comes with the great orgasms.

Men are good for some things, like paying your bills, but don’t let them touch the plumbing or you may find yourself knee deep in crappy water, and I mean that literally. It stains your pants and it doesn’t smell so good.

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About phillystarvingwriter

Starving writer with a day job hoping one day to make a living doing what I love best.

Posted on July 3, 2011, in Pictoral. Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

  1. You know what it sounds like you need? A deadline!

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